Helen and I met in the 6th grade when we had a Math class together. I can't say it was friend at first sight but certainly she seemed like my kind of person. Gradually, over the next few years, we became friends and, in high school, she got me a job at the store where she worked. With the 2 of us spending so much time together at work, the friendship deepened and she truly became my best friend. I had other friends from various social circles, but she remained a constant in my life throughout high school.
In college, our friendship had periods of ebb and flow. We each spent time trying out new personalities and friendships with others. During these periods, we might not speak for months at a time, but ultimately we would reunite. There were no hard feelings, no harm done. We allowed each other the freedom to explore our own paths without judgment (at least aloud) from each other.
When we both had children, lives got busy but we still got together at least 2-3 times a year. Sometimes we would meet at home and the kids would play while we chatted. Other times we would meet for dinner in the evening. It was a nice relationship for a long time.
In the past several years, Helen's life has been going extremely well. She has a nice relationship with her husband as well as 2 beautiful kids. The husband has worked at the same company for years and seems to make a good chunk of change, enough change to allow her to be a stay at home mom. The kids are both really bright as well as being gifted athletes. They live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood full of nice people. They go to fun parties and on fun vacations with the neighbors. In short, they have a pretty damn nice life and I am very happy for her. The worst thing that has happened to her is a bout with psoriasis that left her half bald. Fortunately, her hair grew back and if that's the worst thing that's happened, she is VERY lucky. I have been nothing but positive and happy about the many blessings she has. I never felt any jealousy, her life was different from mine but I never wanted her life.
For the last few years, things have not been so awesome for me, however. Even though I love my job, it has been fairly stressful the last few years. In addition, my marriage isn't in that great of shape either. We're not going to divorce or anything but I can't say that the relationship is awesome. There's no abuse, drug, use, gambling, or the like. I guess you could say we don't have the close relationship I had hoped for when we started out and his work hours left me saddled with most of responsibility for the house and kids which was really exhausting and stressful. Like Helen, I have 2 beautiful children however my oldest has some emotional issues and both children have learning challenges. These issues have taken up most of my free time and I have received little support from my husband but plenty of criticism about how I am raising them. Add in my husband losing his job twice and 2 friends of mine dying and it amounts to a few really crappy years.
At Christmas Helen called to catch up. She went on for 40 min. about her great life and all the amazing things that were going on. I enjoyed hearing her news and it was an enjoyable conversation. Then, the conversation turned to me. I shared some of the struggles that had been going on with the kids and husband and how stressful things had been. I didn't go on and on about it or act like the world was coming to an end but I was really honest about how things were going. When I finished, there was complete silence on the phone. She simply didn't know what to say. The conversation became awkward and wrapped up quickly after that. I could tell from some of the comments she had made about the misfortune of others that we had discussed earlier in the call that she just couldn't understand it. She felt that her good fortune was her own doing, no luck involved. I had heard her wonder aloud in the past about how people can have such screwed up lives. And now here I was, one of those people.
She seems to fail to see that, in addition to being smart about the decisions she's made and working hard, she has also been incredibly lucky. She's an only child whose parents live only for her and her family. Her college was paid for. She had the opportunity to travel abroad. And, while she's a wonderful mother, her kids being smart is just the luck of the draw. Yes, her parenting enhanced the talent they were blessed with but she is not solely responsible for their gifts.
She ended the call by saying that she thinks of me a lot but she's sooooo busy these days and did I text? Maybe we could text each other? You see, given that she has 6 hours to herself everyday at home with no kids, she's just too busy for a phone call a couple of times a year. In other words, I had been demoted from a friend that she might actually talk on the phone with to someone she types a few words to once a year. I appear to be no longer worthy of hearing her voice directly.
Last year her text was delivered on the day a friend of mine passed away. I mentioned that it was nice to hear from an old friend given the sad news I had just heard. Via a series of texts she managed to say sorry and that my friend had seemed nice when she met her at my wedding. She didn't bother to ask what had happened and in the text forum, it was hard to convey the seriousness of the illness my friend had faced and my many emotional visits to the hospital to see her and how she had died just as the doctors were starting to say she was doing better. She went on in her next text to say something trivial about her daughters upcoming volleyball game or something. Again, without the benefit of her human voice, it was an abrupt transition that seemed uncaring. Had it been me, I would've dialed her number and spoken with her directly, even if only for a few minutes, to comfort her.
Needless to say I am angry. I felt so hurt that she was basically saying that I was not worth her precious time. I was only worth a few randomly strung together words when she had a minute between her children's many activities. And even though I was hurt, I tried to play along but, petty as it may sound, I just can't. At this stage of my life I don't need any more acquaintances, I have plenty thanks. My deepest desire is to have people in my life who enjoy my company and feel that I am worth their time. I am not perfect and I may not always be the best company but I try to be a good and caring friend.
It's been several months since the last text I received from her. She averages 2 per year. You'd think that since we have a text only relationship that she would be in touch more often but, no. She doesn't even take the time to "like" the photos I post on Facebook. I am truly grateful for my many years of friendship with Helen, but sadly, I think I'm done.
Sometimes I say to myself that I hope she calls me when something bad happens so that I can blow her off and show her how bad it feels. Oh, I'm so sorry your mother passed, I would say. Why don't we text about it. But while I may think these insensitive thoughts, I know that if she called needed a shoulder to cry on, I would be there for her any time day or night and it wouldn't matter that she blew me off in my time of need. After all, that's what friends do.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
Who needs Days of Our Lives when you have Facebook
When I was in high school I would hurry home to watch my favorite soap, General Hospital. This was back in the Luke and Laura wedding era so the story lines were pretty juicy. Now, soap operas are passe, victim's of the unbelievable amount of content that exists on cable and online. Instead of a 5 day per week soap, we have several unscripted "reality" shows to keep us entertained. And then there's Facebook. Yes, Facebook can provide its share of soap opera like drama.
In the last several weeks I have found myself glued to my Facebook page watching a drama unfold electronically.
It all started when I joined Facebook several years ago at the urging of my husband who discovered it around the time of his 20th high school reunion. I thought it was completely stupid and could not really understand what the heck I was going to do with it. At first, it was kind of fun linking up with my friends and old acquaintances from high school and college. My rules for friending were simple, it had to be someone with whom I have or had a personal relationship. My first "friends" were my actual friends but then I started getting requests from random people from high school. I remember thinking how nice it was that these people that I hardly know had any interest in looking at my family vacation photos or my random comments. I was a bit of a Facebook whore, saying "accept" to just about anyone that made a friend request. Eventually, I stopped doing that but not before I had friended Shelley, Angela, and Mike.
I had been friends with Shelley in middle school but Angela and Mike, a married couple with whom I had attended high school were another story. Mike's family went to my church and my parents used to chat up his parents after mass occasionally and he had been in a few of my high school classes. Angela I did not really know at all except I knew that she and Mike had dated since very early on in high school.
I had seen Angela and Mike at my 20 year reunion. They looked like your typical married couple and I remember thinking how nice it was that they were still together after all that time. Mike and Angela separately posted things here and there...pictures of the kids and the usual unmemorable comments but nothing of interest...until a status change from Angela stating "Angela is single." This was followed by a flurry of comments from the high school crowd. Things like "so sorry" and "I know this has been coming for a while" were posted. For some unknown reason, their separation bothered me. How could this rather cute seemingly normal couple with so much history just simply break up?
Things got more interesting a month or so later when Mike posted a photo of himself and Shelley (my former friend from middle school). I had to wonder, did they just run into each other or are they an item? Did Mike cheat on Angela with Shelley? So many questions!
Shortly after that Angela posted another status change, "Angela is in a relationship with Joe Blow." Many, many photos of Angela and Joe followed posed in various locations. This was followed by more photos of Shelley and Mike which clearly indicated that they were indeed a couple. So, after something like 20 years together, Angela and Mike had not only split up but had each found themselves a new mate.
I couldn't stop thinking about this situation and I kept digging for information. My friend Sara was able to fill in some of the gaps in the story. She had run into Mike at a restaurant and he had talked about the fact that he and Angela were kaput and, that "it's not always the man that cheats." He also shared that he was now totally head over heals for Shelley. I was sorry to hear that he was mixed up with Shelley who is a total flake. It didn't bode well for Mike's future.
Within 6 months, Angela began posting pictures of a sandy beach spot with a caption reading "what a beautiful place to get married." What followed this were many random photos and comments and she planned her wedding to Joe Blow. Way to get back up on that horse Angela!
With all of this action going on, I began checking all three of their pages just to get the latest news. I also got some dirt from friends. A mom from my kids school, who graduated from my high school, happens to be friends with Angela. She filled in some details there. Apparently, nice normal seeming Angela is a bit of a flake herself so it's pretty clear what Mike's type is. So here's the scoop: Angela married some other guy, not Mike, while she was in college. They lived in a trailer and her behavior during that time was described as odd. So odd in fact that Angela's mother wondered if there was a drug problem. Within a year or 2, this marriage broke up and Angela moved home. The mom from school, Tara, ran into Mike after church one day and told him that Angela was home and divorced. Mike drove straight from church to Angela's house and they immediately resumed their relationship. How romantic, right? Oh, and Angela's new man, Joe Blow, he is someone she used to hang out at the mall with in middle school. So I guess Angela is content to renew, reuse, and recycle her old relationships when looking for a mate.
So, Angela got married to Joe and posted copious photos of their beach wedding. Mike continued to date Shelley and post pictures of them together or pictures of he and his daughters doing fun Daddy's weekend activities. Shelley began posting passive aggressive comments about Angela such as, "Please keep Mike in your thoughts as he goes to court over custody issues once again. He is a good dad and doesn't deserve this harassment." No other custody comments were made after this one. Don't these people know that it's rude to leave their internet voyeurs hanging? At least follow up, how did things turn out?
With Angela now happily married and continuously posting photos of herself, Joe Blow, and Mike's kids, things on Shelley's page started heating up. "I haven't lived with a man in 8 years...here I go," obviously indicating her cohabitation with Mike. Other posts followed discussing the impact of having 5 children in the house (well, part time but still). And eventually, the Christmas day post announcing that she got a "ring" as a gift. This followed by another flurry of congratulatory posts from the masses and an "uh oh" from me. I felt like I was watching a bad horror movie where the girl goes from room to room in a dark spooky house and starts reaching for the handle of the closet door, like, "no, don't do it Mike!" After that things were quiet again, Shelley did not choose to give a blow by blow of their wedding plans as she was too busy posting links to animal rights websites. It got so quiet that I started to hope that the relationship had petered out. Then, bam! Picture of Mike and Shelley at Niagara Falls. Apparently they took a weekend and got married at the Niagara Falls courthouse. Mike posted an "aaaaw" worthy comment about how he "married this beautiful woman today.
Well, just as we all knew the girl would open the closet to a hatchet in the head, 4 months later, Shelley and Mike were over. After 2 years together, moving in together, and uprooting the kids, it lasted BARELY 4 months. The engagement lasted longer. Seriously, she's moved into an apartment and has plans to leave the state in several months! Upon last notice, she and Mike continue to be friends and occasionally post that they are having dinner together. Angela and Joe had a major setback when Joe had a stroke recently. Since she doesn't post about it anymore, it appears that he has made a decent recovery.
Sharing my foray into internet voyeurism has left me feeling a bit creepy. I can't imagine what Mike, Angela, or Shelley would think if they realized how much time and interest I had in their lives. I am sure they would think I was nuts. Their saga, however, seems to be winding down and returning to mundane posts of their kids with Easter baskets or "liking" cheese. The question now is, who is going to entertain me on Facebook?
In the last several weeks I have found myself glued to my Facebook page watching a drama unfold electronically.
It all started when I joined Facebook several years ago at the urging of my husband who discovered it around the time of his 20th high school reunion. I thought it was completely stupid and could not really understand what the heck I was going to do with it. At first, it was kind of fun linking up with my friends and old acquaintances from high school and college. My rules for friending were simple, it had to be someone with whom I have or had a personal relationship. My first "friends" were my actual friends but then I started getting requests from random people from high school. I remember thinking how nice it was that these people that I hardly know had any interest in looking at my family vacation photos or my random comments. I was a bit of a Facebook whore, saying "accept" to just about anyone that made a friend request. Eventually, I stopped doing that but not before I had friended Shelley, Angela, and Mike.
I had been friends with Shelley in middle school but Angela and Mike, a married couple with whom I had attended high school were another story. Mike's family went to my church and my parents used to chat up his parents after mass occasionally and he had been in a few of my high school classes. Angela I did not really know at all except I knew that she and Mike had dated since very early on in high school.
I had seen Angela and Mike at my 20 year reunion. They looked like your typical married couple and I remember thinking how nice it was that they were still together after all that time. Mike and Angela separately posted things here and there...pictures of the kids and the usual unmemorable comments but nothing of interest...until a status change from Angela stating "Angela is single." This was followed by a flurry of comments from the high school crowd. Things like "so sorry" and "I know this has been coming for a while" were posted. For some unknown reason, their separation bothered me. How could this rather cute seemingly normal couple with so much history just simply break up?
Things got more interesting a month or so later when Mike posted a photo of himself and Shelley (my former friend from middle school). I had to wonder, did they just run into each other or are they an item? Did Mike cheat on Angela with Shelley? So many questions!
Shortly after that Angela posted another status change, "Angela is in a relationship with Joe Blow." Many, many photos of Angela and Joe followed posed in various locations. This was followed by more photos of Shelley and Mike which clearly indicated that they were indeed a couple. So, after something like 20 years together, Angela and Mike had not only split up but had each found themselves a new mate.
I couldn't stop thinking about this situation and I kept digging for information. My friend Sara was able to fill in some of the gaps in the story. She had run into Mike at a restaurant and he had talked about the fact that he and Angela were kaput and, that "it's not always the man that cheats." He also shared that he was now totally head over heals for Shelley. I was sorry to hear that he was mixed up with Shelley who is a total flake. It didn't bode well for Mike's future.
Within 6 months, Angela began posting pictures of a sandy beach spot with a caption reading "what a beautiful place to get married." What followed this were many random photos and comments and she planned her wedding to Joe Blow. Way to get back up on that horse Angela!
With all of this action going on, I began checking all three of their pages just to get the latest news. I also got some dirt from friends. A mom from my kids school, who graduated from my high school, happens to be friends with Angela. She filled in some details there. Apparently, nice normal seeming Angela is a bit of a flake herself so it's pretty clear what Mike's type is. So here's the scoop: Angela married some other guy, not Mike, while she was in college. They lived in a trailer and her behavior during that time was described as odd. So odd in fact that Angela's mother wondered if there was a drug problem. Within a year or 2, this marriage broke up and Angela moved home. The mom from school, Tara, ran into Mike after church one day and told him that Angela was home and divorced. Mike drove straight from church to Angela's house and they immediately resumed their relationship. How romantic, right? Oh, and Angela's new man, Joe Blow, he is someone she used to hang out at the mall with in middle school. So I guess Angela is content to renew, reuse, and recycle her old relationships when looking for a mate.
So, Angela got married to Joe and posted copious photos of their beach wedding. Mike continued to date Shelley and post pictures of them together or pictures of he and his daughters doing fun Daddy's weekend activities. Shelley began posting passive aggressive comments about Angela such as, "Please keep Mike in your thoughts as he goes to court over custody issues once again. He is a good dad and doesn't deserve this harassment." No other custody comments were made after this one. Don't these people know that it's rude to leave their internet voyeurs hanging? At least follow up, how did things turn out?
With Angela now happily married and continuously posting photos of herself, Joe Blow, and Mike's kids, things on Shelley's page started heating up. "I haven't lived with a man in 8 years...here I go," obviously indicating her cohabitation with Mike. Other posts followed discussing the impact of having 5 children in the house (well, part time but still). And eventually, the Christmas day post announcing that she got a "ring" as a gift. This followed by another flurry of congratulatory posts from the masses and an "uh oh" from me. I felt like I was watching a bad horror movie where the girl goes from room to room in a dark spooky house and starts reaching for the handle of the closet door, like, "no, don't do it Mike!" After that things were quiet again, Shelley did not choose to give a blow by blow of their wedding plans as she was too busy posting links to animal rights websites. It got so quiet that I started to hope that the relationship had petered out. Then, bam! Picture of Mike and Shelley at Niagara Falls. Apparently they took a weekend and got married at the Niagara Falls courthouse. Mike posted an "aaaaw" worthy comment about how he "married this beautiful woman today.
Well, just as we all knew the girl would open the closet to a hatchet in the head, 4 months later, Shelley and Mike were over. After 2 years together, moving in together, and uprooting the kids, it lasted BARELY 4 months. The engagement lasted longer. Seriously, she's moved into an apartment and has plans to leave the state in several months! Upon last notice, she and Mike continue to be friends and occasionally post that they are having dinner together. Angela and Joe had a major setback when Joe had a stroke recently. Since she doesn't post about it anymore, it appears that he has made a decent recovery.
Sharing my foray into internet voyeurism has left me feeling a bit creepy. I can't imagine what Mike, Angela, or Shelley would think if they realized how much time and interest I had in their lives. I am sure they would think I was nuts. Their saga, however, seems to be winding down and returning to mundane posts of their kids with Easter baskets or "liking" cheese. The question now is, who is going to entertain me on Facebook?
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