Helen and I met in the 6th grade when we had a Math class together. I can't say it was friend at first sight but certainly she seemed like my kind of person. Gradually, over the next few years, we became friends and, in high school, she got me a job at the store where she worked. With the 2 of us spending so much time together at work, the friendship deepened and she truly became my best friend. I had other friends from various social circles, but she remained a constant in my life throughout high school.
In college, our friendship had periods of ebb and flow. We each spent time trying out new personalities and friendships with others. During these periods, we might not speak for months at a time, but ultimately we would reunite. There were no hard feelings, no harm done. We allowed each other the freedom to explore our own paths without judgment (at least aloud) from each other.
When we both had children, lives got busy but we still got together at least 2-3 times a year. Sometimes we would meet at home and the kids would play while we chatted. Other times we would meet for dinner in the evening. It was a nice relationship for a long time.
In the past several years, Helen's life has been going extremely well. She has a nice relationship with her husband as well as 2 beautiful kids. The husband has worked at the same company for years and seems to make a good chunk of change, enough change to allow her to be a stay at home mom. The kids are both really bright as well as being gifted athletes. They live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood full of nice people. They go to fun parties and on fun vacations with the neighbors. In short, they have a pretty damn nice life and I am very happy for her. The worst thing that has happened to her is a bout with psoriasis that left her half bald. Fortunately, her hair grew back and if that's the worst thing that's happened, she is VERY lucky. I have been nothing but positive and happy about the many blessings she has. I never felt any jealousy, her life was different from mine but I never wanted her life.
For the last few years, things have not been so awesome for me, however. Even though I love my job, it has been fairly stressful the last few years. In addition, my marriage isn't in that great of shape either. We're not going to divorce or anything but I can't say that the relationship is awesome. There's no abuse, drug, use, gambling, or the like. I guess you could say we don't have the close relationship I had hoped for when we started out and his work hours left me saddled with most of responsibility for the house and kids which was really exhausting and stressful. Like Helen, I have 2 beautiful children however my oldest has some emotional issues and both children have learning challenges. These issues have taken up most of my free time and I have received little support from my husband but plenty of criticism about how I am raising them. Add in my husband losing his job twice and 2 friends of mine dying and it amounts to a few really crappy years.
At Christmas Helen called to catch up. She went on for 40 min. about her great life and all the amazing things that were going on. I enjoyed hearing her news and it was an enjoyable conversation. Then, the conversation turned to me. I shared some of the struggles that had been going on with the kids and husband and how stressful things had been. I didn't go on and on about it or act like the world was coming to an end but I was really honest about how things were going. When I finished, there was complete silence on the phone. She simply didn't know what to say. The conversation became awkward and wrapped up quickly after that. I could tell from some of the comments she had made about the misfortune of others that we had discussed earlier in the call that she just couldn't understand it. She felt that her good fortune was her own doing, no luck involved. I had heard her wonder aloud in the past about how people can have such screwed up lives. And now here I was, one of those people.
She seems to fail to see that, in addition to being smart about the decisions she's made and working hard, she has also been incredibly lucky. She's an only child whose parents live only for her and her family. Her college was paid for. She had the opportunity to travel abroad. And, while she's a wonderful mother, her kids being smart is just the luck of the draw. Yes, her parenting enhanced the talent they were blessed with but she is not solely responsible for their gifts.
She ended the call by saying that she thinks of me a lot but she's sooooo busy these days and did I text? Maybe we could text each other? You see, given that she has 6 hours to herself everyday at home with no kids, she's just too busy for a phone call a couple of times a year. In other words, I had been demoted from a friend that she might actually talk on the phone with to someone she types a few words to once a year. I appear to be no longer worthy of hearing her voice directly.
Last year her text was delivered on the day a friend of mine passed away. I mentioned that it was nice to hear from an old friend given the sad news I had just heard. Via a series of texts she managed to say sorry and that my friend had seemed nice when she met her at my wedding. She didn't bother to ask what had happened and in the text forum, it was hard to convey the seriousness of the illness my friend had faced and my many emotional visits to the hospital to see her and how she had died just as the doctors were starting to say she was doing better. She went on in her next text to say something trivial about her daughters upcoming volleyball game or something. Again, without the benefit of her human voice, it was an abrupt transition that seemed uncaring. Had it been me, I would've dialed her number and spoken with her directly, even if only for a few minutes, to comfort her.
Needless to say I am angry. I felt so hurt that she was basically saying that I was not worth her precious time. I was only worth a few randomly strung together words when she had a minute between her children's many activities. And even though I was hurt, I tried to play along but, petty as it may sound, I just can't. At this stage of my life I don't need any more acquaintances, I have plenty thanks. My deepest desire is to have people in my life who enjoy my company and feel that I am worth their time. I am not perfect and I may not always be the best company but I try to be a good and caring friend.
It's been several months since the last text I received from her. She averages 2 per year. You'd think that since we have a text only relationship that she would be in touch more often but, no. She doesn't even take the time to "like" the photos I post on Facebook. I am truly grateful for my many years of friendship with Helen, but sadly, I think I'm done.
Sometimes I say to myself that I hope she calls me when something bad happens so that I can blow her off and show her how bad it feels. Oh, I'm so sorry your mother passed, I would say. Why don't we text about it. But while I may think these insensitive thoughts, I know that if she called needed a shoulder to cry on, I would be there for her any time day or night and it wouldn't matter that she blew me off in my time of need. After all, that's what friends do.
No comments:
Post a Comment